Life Blood

I suppose it should be right up there with things you shouldn’t do in a horror movie like don’t spend the night in the creepy old house, or go down in the cellar, or go outside to investigate what’s making that annoying noise. Now, in the case of some of the characters in Life Blood (aka: Pearblossom) we can add don’t stop off at a gas station/ truck-stop called ‘Murder World’. Well don’t say I didn’t blame them for stopping there, or you for watching this, because this is where we are about to encounter the final stand-off between good and evil as ‘born again’, and I mean born again Brooke (Sophie Monk) and Rhea (Anya Lahiri) go head to head.

They are sort of lesbian vampire angels; put on ice 40 years earlier, by a scantily-clad creator of the universe played by Victoria’s Secret model Angela Lindvall, after they had fled a New Year’s Eve party. At the party, Brooke stabbed creepy predator actor Justin (Warren James) to death while everyone was singing Auld Lang Syne – nice touch, and just as well because Justin looked as if he was about to batter his intended victim with some soap in a sock. Having dispatched nasty Justin with a hatpin to the neck, the two of them go on the run, Brooke losing all those nasty bloodstains on the way. Brooke also loses it big time in the car, running over some animal and bursting into tears.

Luckily, Ms God appears, kills Brooke and tells Rhea that she can have eternal life if she will kill on her behalf. Rhea agrees but only on the condition that Brooke can get the same deal. Ms God agrees and buries them beside Pearlblossom Highway (Pearlblossom being the original title of the film) where they reappear years later, only for Brooke to go AWOL and on a killing spree, killing anyone, whether they deserve it or not, while Rhea wants to stick to the original mission. Cue the showdown at Murder World.

On the way, we encounter Sheriff Tillman (played by veteran actor Charles Napier, who has appeared in just about everything from timeless TV shows like the original Star Trek onwards to ‘classic’ movies like Russ Meyer’s Supervixens, although he might be better remembered as one of Hannibal Lector’s victims in Silence Of The Lambs). Tillman has a humorous love/ hate relationship with his diminutive deputy Felix Shoe (Danny Woodburn), and some strange viewing habits – at one point he is watching a TV show called ‘Chicks Chasing Chickens’ – yes, it does do what it says on the tin. Scout Taylor-Compton, who played Laurie Strode in the Halloween reboots, appears briefly, and probably wonders what she is doing here, or what she did to deserve this.

Despite the woeful plot and acting – Anya Lahiri is simply awful, Life Blood has been put together quite well and it looks and sounds almost passable, and what’s not to like about a scantily-clad Sophie Monk gliding through a movie in sleep-mode? “They are not your average creatures of the night,” warns the blurb on the cover, and believe me average would have been a blessing, something that Life Blood didn’t even strive for. Avoid like the plague or that truck-stop with the strange name even if you are running low on fuel.