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I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer cast: Jai Koutre, Stacey Edmonds, A.Z. Jackson, David Gambin, and Ben Paul Owens directors: Stacey Edmonds and Doug Turner 77 minutes (18) 2008 widescreen ratio 2.35:1 Starz DVD Region 2 retail RATING: 1/10 reviewed by Paul Higson |
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Don't like this movie... oh no... I loathe it, hah! Yup, it's a cricket horror movie and the worst cricket horror movie ever made. Then again, as the
only cricket horror movie ever made that would also make it the... but no, I am not going to finish that sentence... I wouldn't want to give them
anything that they might get a positive quote out of. There really is not a great deal to say about Stacey Edmonds and Doug Turner's Australian
drongos and gore flick, the clumbersomely titled I Know How Many Runs You Scored Last Summer. It is a film that the couple double-dutied as
director (sic), producer, writer (sic), videographer, editor and, ring-pullers on those Fosters tinnies which no doubt helped the cast through the
shoot. They also took key roles in front of the camera. Both seem quite chuffed with the results and that was before they landed a deal with Anchor
Bay for its DVD release. Everything about the film is awful. To be fair the title is so rotten that had it not come as a pot luck review disc I would
never have watched it, so it has to be said that it is pretty decent of them to put up a few warning signs. It speaks of their failure at humour. They
could have called it 'Stumped!', 'Wicket Wicked' or 'The Getting of Wisden', but no, it is as ill-thought out as everything in this film from the
outset to the final fade. So, a series of murders using cricketing equipment, stumps through the back of the head, nail skewered corkies and a crotch protector lined like an iron maiden. Rubbish detectives notice the motif and link the victims to a school team that many years previously tormented and tortured a boy to the expected end that he ended up locked up and seriously psychotic. He's back and the surviving adult sods are taken into protection at some obscure countryside spot which instead, of course, only makes them even easier to pick off. Underdeveloped characters mean that the only cast member that I can separate in the film is Stacey Edmonds and that is because she is female. Though the co-directors are presented as an item this is one of the most homo-erotic 'accidents' in the horror genre since Freddy's Revenge: A Nightmare On Elm Street 2 as buff blokes are stripped to their keks, get bondaged up theirs, tease each other's hair or simply just look gay. They try to make up for this with a quim in a shower scene in which Stacey Edmonds is body-doubled by Miss Nude Australia, Arianna Starr, though the editing between the two is dreadful and the bodies are clearly mismatched. You can watch the entire Arianna shower scene un-tampered among the many extras. The soundtrack is chocker with the kind of turd metal that used to harass horror film credits in the 1980s. It has all of the values of a 1980s' video production with bad acting, and a complete veto on imagination and originality. Dismal... Don't be caught out with this one.
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