Big Tits Zombie

cast: Sora Aio (alias: Sola Aio), Io Aikawa, Saori Ando, Kaworu Asakusa, and Daisuke Iijima

director: Takao Nakano

74 minutes (18) 2009
widescreen ratio 2.35:1
Terracotta DVD Region 2

RATING: 5/10
review by Paul Higson

Big Tits Zombie

Yes… I noticed the title. Well done the UK distributors. Oh, and like any great exploitation movie title, of course, it is a lie. There is no big tits zombie in Takao Nakano’s Big Tits Zombie (aka: Big Tits Dragon), an adaptation of a cult manga Kyonyi Dragon. Neither are there any big tits come to that. It does have Sora Aio (as Sola Aio), a star of Japanese adult video, in the lead role of Lena, one of five dancers working for Ikagawa Event Promotions in the town of Ikagawa. Once an industrial hive of activity, most of the population have moved on leaving the dancers with few customers. Their boss sends them to the Ikagawa Spa Resort to jiggle their wares but upon arrival find the expectations are somewhat more lurid. Some go so far, some go too far and some smack the hands away.

Still their manager is not coming through with the money. On a draughty night, the girls discover a hidden opening into the next building and a basement. Darna (Io Aikawa), a foreign worker with a love of money, and brothers and sisters in her home country awaiting the dosh, finds a stash of loot in the basement which she will return to once her companions are otherwise distracted. Maria (Saori Ando) the outcast emo chick,

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prone to quoting great thinkers, finally gets excited falling upon a collection of occult reading and is able to recite from the ‘Book of the Dead’ in Latin. Nothing happens in the moment so they return up top.

While biker girl Ginka and the den mother Nene are preparing food the fish begin flapping and the sushi attack. This is the point at which they realise that something is sorely amiss. Darna has snuck back down to the basement for the dosh and walks straight into the clutches of the dead who have been clambering out of the well of hell since the incantation. The customer alert sees the other four bound onto the stage but it is an audience of the undead awaiting them. Nena is bitten and Maria, realising that she is responsible for a zombie apocalypse, merrily leaves the other three to the zombie hordes, almost falling victim to the walking corpses herself before realising that she can control them with the book. So, the girls get into zombie fight action, armed with sword and chainsaw, moving inexorably to a silly conclusion.

The film is unexceptional. In the tradition of Troma it is a slapdash, failed comedy-horror. The makers believe that if they throw enough thigh and grue at the camera it will sate enough of an audience. It might too with the barely pubescent. Okay, I confess, the eye candy is a get by, but this is a largely amateurish stumble through a carnival of tat. It offers 3D but this appears to be feigned and, if effective at all, only to a cross-eyed hammerhead shark in a hall of mirrors. What it means is that scenes of horror, dance and fight are suddenly struck with unsure red and green shadows which wobble worse than the animation on Rhubarb And Custard. The zombie make-up is only slightly more impressive than the masks of the clubbers in The Monster Club and the spraying blood, dismemberments and decapitations are often CGI robbing the film of another layer of actuality.

Big Tits Zombie does have some merits. The girls do come through and there is the odd gag that teases out a laugh. One running joke has Lena so prone under the influence of alcohol that she awakens alongside the most undesirable sexual partner (a tramp on one occasion and a wrinkly old dwarf on another). But much of the humour falls flat. There is a horrible nagging sensation that someone is not trying hard enough. The shabbiness wears you down and neither is it inventive enough to warrant sustainable cult value.