cast: Lenna Kurishingal, Tony Swansey, Charles Ramsay, Will Cummings III, and Dennis Doornbos
director: Bernie Woodell
90 minutes (18) 2009
widescreen ratio 16:9
Chemical Burn NTSC DVD Region 1
review by James A. Stewart
Fast Zombies With Guns
‘Holy moley! Did that just happen?’ This is pretty much the question I asked myself after watching the revealingly titled Fast Zombies With Guns. In the event that the movie’s title doesn’t quite get you to the place you need to be in terms of understanding what it might be about then let me elaborate. There are three key ingredients to this film: zombies, speed and guns.
Well, actually there is a fourth ingredient but calling the film ‘Fast Zombies With Guns And A Couple Who Stupidly Chase Dollars Instead Of Just Driving Away And Saving Themselves’ would have been silly. By now you get the main thrust of the movie’s plot no doubt, but there is a smidgen more to it.
A mob hit goes wrong in the sleepy town of Spring Grove. Mob boss Paul Varlo sends a would-be assassin to take out an informant by poisoning the snitch’s water, but instead of killing the grass, the botched attempt turns him and his wife into zombies; and we know zombies create other zombies quicker than bacteria spreads. It is a rule that this film studiously adheres to.
This is a terribly acted film, akin to the kind of thing that you would expect from a primary school Christmas play; only the garb and direction are slightly better at school. There are, without exception, no laudable elements to the casting in this film. It appears to be a group of college friends and their parents getting together to have fun with fake blood and faker guns. However, and endearingly, there are scenes when fast zombies are chasing slow mortals that the cast and crew just appear to be having fun. It is like the whole thing is the kind of project a bunch of mates would do for a laugh.
The zombies generally consist of actors with pink or red tees (to represent blood, duh!) and whose make-up exaggerated to depict how zombies would turn out in Spring Grove. The budget of this film must have been about £4.20 and it shows, but somehow this adds an air of whimsicalness to the blood and gore. It’s like a beggar who asks for a couple of pounds to buy a can of special brew; honest but still wrong.
Anyway, for doyens of the zombie genre the flesh eating and carnage will appeal. The fact that the zombies are cast as Usain Bolts with rotting flesh is a different twist on the zombie flick, as is the fact that they have the coordination to shoot. This at least adds some novelty element to what is essentially an eat-fest of fake blood, crappy plotting and stammering acting.
Fast Movies With Guns is as titled. It is the Ronseal of zombie films. If you buy this and are disappointed then god only knows how you’ll feel about The Last King Of Scotland.