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August 2010

Bikini Girls On Ice

cast: Suzi Lorraine, Kerri Taylor, Cindel Chartrand, Ivan Peric, and Jarek Gadar

director: Geoff Klein

78 minutes (18) 2009
widescreen ratio 1.85:1
Kaleidoscope DVD Region 2 retail

RATING: 2/10
review by Danny O'Connor

Bikini Girls On Ice

I was very tempted to give this pointless slasher movie zero out of ten or even a minus number. What's good about it? The bikinis are by Ujena swimwear and some of the girls look good in them. Yellow bikini girl was my favourite but she was also the first of the girl's soccer team to get bumped off. What's bad about it? Everything else, especially the nonsensical 'plot'...

A bus load of bikini girls turn up at a broken down gas station (think Bates Motel). Half of them walk off down the highway just before dusk for absolutely no plot reason whatsoever. They're the double-lucky ones. A.) they're no longer in the movie. B.) they don't get killed and mutilated by the monster mechanic guy and have their bikini tops taken from them and hung on a line as a trophy. (Is that three reasons?) Everyone stupid enough to stay gets killed by the monster guy, except the heroine in the green bikini, but more about her later.

There is no reason given why monster guy kills everyone who ventures into the building and even some who don't. He is not given any dialogue, only grunts. He uses these grunts profusely and to excess. There is no convincing plot reason as to why anyone should venture into the back of the garage alone but they do and they each get killed in a motley variety of uninteresting ways.

When we reach 20 minutes into the movie we have the bikini car wash scene where bikini-clad young women wash cars. They use large (very clean looking) sponges. They also wash each other. So much for the titillation...

One of the girls is a bossy bitch, and a different one is 'insatiable' for either sex. She is the one wearing the red bikini bottom with the red/ white top in a series of little heart shapes. Perhaps she was typecast into this particular bikini combo.

There is, again, no plot reason why the green-bikini heroine and her blue-bikini pal should arrive by car. Perhaps we were supposed to assume that as it was driven by blue-bikini girl's boyfriend, a dashing hunk of a man, she was not a lesbian foil to green-bikini girl.

Was our heroine a lesbian? Well let's look at the 'facts'. She is a top goal scorer in a girl's soccer team. Does that make her suspect in Canada, where the film was made, and America where it was aimed at? She refused to move on to a big scholarship university so she could stay next to blue-bikini girl as they both promised they would stay together when they were eight.

As blue-bikini girl's life's blood is gushing from her slashed throat, green-bikini girl tells her she loves her. But green-bikini girl also kisses the hunk, Tommy, at night in the junkyard behind the garage. But there's no plot reason for the kiss and it's also a very twee junior high school kind of kiss. Then again, it's just before Tommy gets bashed about the head by monster guy so perhaps there is some higher rationale to it which escapes the likes of me.

So what happens to our heroine, the last of the bikini girls too stupid too walk on down the highway at sunset? We are deliberately denied the kind of graphic head-bashing and throat-slashing and skewer-skewering which saw everyone else off. We are left with her terror-filled eyes as the old local guy who warned them all not to tarry at this particular gas station makes his third scene, this time with a shotgun.

We hear both barrels but we see no grateful kissy-kissy between our green-bikini heroine and the bearded old goat. Also next day two young women fill up at the pump and the one unlucky enough to enter the garage gets bludgeoned by monster guy. So we have to assume that the green-bikini girl and the old goat did not live happy ever after and rear their own brood of small town nonsensical psycho-killers. Or maybe that's the plot for a sequel, 'Bikini Girls On Ice 2 - The Refrozen'.



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