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Christina
cast: Jewel Shephard, Ian Serra, Enrique Johnson, and Emilio Linder

director: Paco Lara
91 minutes (18) 1984
Fremantle / Fabulous DVD Region 2 retail

RATING: 3/10
reviewed by Tom Johnstone
If you like watching a hideously dubbed and permed spoilt little rich girl getting laid in semi-exotic locations, this is for you. Otherwise, steer clear of this particularly uninspiring offering from the Playboy collection. The only lust to be found here is the one in the word lacklustre. The unspeakably smug voiceover at the beginning informs us that Christina (Jewel Shephard) is an internationally celebrated heiress. Think Paris Hilton, but even more vacuous and imbecilic. We are then shown what she does for kicks, when she's not trying to shag everything that moves. She challenges her on/ off boyfriends to sports car racing on those winding Euro-roads that zigzag on the edge of mountains. Unfortunately for us, she doesn't drive off the edge of a cliff - that would have been the end of the film. Instead she goes back to her boyfriend's villa, where they meet another couple. Christina tries to encourage a bit of swinging, but no one seems particularly up for it.

To spice things up, a gang of revolutionaries kidnap her, in a deeply reactionary scene. Of course, they take her to an all-female commune, made up of jack-booted lesbians, who all want to do things to her. But Christina's a good heterosexual girl, so she's largely unmoved by their attempts, despite some soft-focus fantasy sequences with pretentious voiceovers designed to make the film seem kind of arty. Though, when rescued by a smuggler, who is really kidnapping her, too, she is up for a bit of 'backdoor' action with him, in the cabin of his yacht. Despite its awful dubbing and European locations, Christina seems to echo the feel of 1980s' Thatcherite Britain, encouraging the rich to flaunt their wealth in a way that is obscene, in this case literally, although not in the least bit sexy. It's about as erotic as a dildo made out of jelly. It's Viagra in reverse.
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